Reflection

I look around me and realize how blessed I am. I truely am. I have more than I ought, more than most people who are struggling and yet, here I am focused on how much I struggle and how much I'd like to be free of debt, free of sin, free of the searching and not finding. I hit this moment in life more often than not, which drives me insane. I need to just accept things sometimes. Just continue the struggle, the fight. Never backing down. But learning to submit when and where I need to. I think that's part of the problem. I'm such a fighter that I don't know when to submit. To just do exactly what I'm told and to be happy about it. To be stable. That's what I really want. To be stable. Like a horse...or rather, where they live. *winks*

Things are going pretty well. I'm waiting for the right time to go to work. My first day back as a lifeguard. Yay. A little nervous. A little good. I plan on showing up early, getting in that cool fresh water and swimming a few laps. And doing that every day. Hopefully, getting a little closer to the shape I was in in high school. Only trouble with that is, is I was working out 2 hours a day in the pool and then a couple hours on the weekends playing b-ball and then going home and walking a mile or two and the odd pick up street b-ball/football games. Yeah, activity was my life and now, well...it's not.

Found out for sure that the company I'd gotten laid off from last year did get sold. So, they really were out of money. Interesting. Still have that bitter taste in my mouth, but slowly it's fading.

Do you ever wonder where the people you hung out with as a child have ended up? I got the coolest package from Bert with a xerox copy of his childhood yearbook with all these people and he wrote about who they were, are and are at. I looked at my yearbooks, and all I can tell people is where they were in high school. After that...gone. Who knows. Even my best friend I don't keep in contact with. We've left and gone our separate ways. It was also brought home when I went to watch my sister graduate and I'm sitting in the stands and I see all these people. Then I start to recognize some of these people. I'd gone to school with them and they were there watching their siblings. I didn't go up to them. The time has long passed for that. Although, in another couple of years, our 10 year anniversary will come around and I'll be able to do the whole "what've you been up to for the past, you know, 10 years". Very strange.

I wish I could read the last chapter in my book (life) and see how it all turns out. Of course it may just be the last words of a paragraph that say, "and then she died". Which wouldn't really help because, yeah, eventually we all do die, but that doesn't give me any idea of the direction I should take. It's like when we read the Bible and can look at Joseph or Job or Esther and say, but it all works out, why were they so doubtful? Because they couldn't see the end. They just saw the split in the road. The choice they had to make at that point in time and have faith that it was the right choice and that God would work it out for them. I should take more comfort in them. I know God answers my prayers. I just need to pray more exactly, more carefully. Less indirectly and be less scared of asking the things that I really want to. And ask that I phrase it exactly how I mean, so that it can be answered exactly, instead of just taking for granted that God understands what I mean.

Well, I'd better run and finish all the things I should before I have to leave...adios